this therapist’s guide to a “brat” summer
Written by: Rani Gupta, LCSW
Like many others, I’ve had Charli XCX’s latest album “brat” on repeat for the past month. Driving around town running errands? It’s time for “Girl, so confusing” - the original and the remix, of course. Working out at the gym? It’s all about “Club classics”. Making myself dinner while my dog watches me from the couch? Bumpin’ “365” and back to “360” again…and ignoring his judgy (yet totally adorable) little face.
It’s no surprise this album is deeply moving for many of us. In Charli’s world, we can be confident, insecure, jealous, romantic, full of grief, confused, feisty, and bold. As I’ve been listening to “brat”, I can’t help but think of the people I work with - incredibly talented, highly driven, sensitive-hearted, creative-minded individuals - who often feel like they’re on the margins in their own families or in their workplaces and who are trying to find that balance between career and non-work life. (Anyone else tearing up to “I think about it all the time”?)
With them and you in mind, I wrote out a mini guide to having a “brat” summer. Take what feels relevant and leave what doesn’t!
Practice confidence, even if you don’t totally feel it inside.
Listening to: Sympathy is a knife, I might say something stupid, Rewind, B2b
Also listening to: 360, Von dutch
Many of us have probably heard various versions of “fake it til you make it”. If you don’t feel like a particularly confident person, this might be one of those fake-it-til-you-make-it or practice-makes-perfect times. One of the most valuable pieces of advice I’ve gotten is: Practice confidence, even if you don’t totally feel it inside. Here’s the thing about practicing confidence: eventually you don’t have to practice anymore, because it will come to you naturally. It will flow through you and emanate from you.
You can write a post-it note with an affirmation for confidence and stick it to your bathroom mirror so you see it every morning. You can say an affirmation for confidence, out loud (the out loud part is important!), at least three times daily. You can even record a voice memo of yourself saying your affirmation, or someone you care about saying your affirmation, and play it to yourself on a daily basis.
If you need help practicing, you can also ask a friend or trusted person to text you affirmations, record an affirmation for you, or remind you to say your affirmation out loud. I have to credit my own friends, trusted colleagues, and mentors who have helped remind me of this on days (or weeks) where even I feel shaky in my confidence. You are allowed to ask for support. I’m saying this last bit for those of you who might feel like you have to do this all on your own - I see you!
If you feel confused about a friendship, be proactive: reach out to that person and talk about it.
Listening to: Girl, so confusing, Girl so confusing version with Lorde
(The internet did, in fact, go crazy when the remix dropped.)
Are you the Charli or the Lorde in the situation? Look, I understand the hesitancy with initiating an uncomfortable or awkward conversation with a friend. I also understand the hesitancy with being fully honest and transparent when being gently confronted by a friend. On either side, you’re not quite sure how the other person is going to react or if you’ll get to say everything you want to say, the way you ideally want to say it.
In a healthy friendship, conflict can and does arise - the absence of conflict doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in a healthy friendship. (Honestly, the subject of identifying healthy and unhealthy friendship dynamics is a whole blog post itself.)
Whether you’re the Charli or the Lorde of the situation, remember: your friends aren’t mind-readers. If you feel confused about a friendship, you have to be proactive and ask to have a conversation about how you’re feeling and what you’re noticing. This is one instance where practicing confidence can help you prepare for this type of conversation! If you need help figuring out what to say during this type of conversation, here are a few ideas:
If you feel awkward or nervous, name that you feel awkward or nervous. This can sound like, “Hey, I want to talk to you about some things I’ve been feeling/noticing in our friendship, and I’m feeling a bit nervous to talk to you about it.”
Remind your friend that you care about the friendship, and you want to talk things through so you can 1) share how you’re feeling, and 2) also hear their perspective.
Acknowledge that you both may stumble through the conversation at times, and it’s ok to take a few moments to formulate what you each want to say
If you and your friend are able to engage in a good-faith, vulnerable heart-to-heart, you may be pleasantly surprised at how you feel afterwards.
Make time for fun with your friends and your partner/spouse/BF/GF
Listening to: Club classics, Talk talk, Everything is romantic, 365
I get it: it can feel hard to make time for fun if you’re using all of your energy to cope with work stressors like racist and/or misogynistic microaggressions and being expected to be a cultural ambassador in the workplace. It can feel hard to make time for fun when fun itself feels like a luxury. And - big “and” here - we must try to integrate fun and ease into our routines. We all need non-work related things to look forward to. Our nervous systems and our bodies need to rest and recharge.
Having fun doesn’t necessarily have to look like taking a long, extravagant vacation or going to a loud, crowded social event every weekend. Though if those things are genuinely fun for you to do with your friends or partner, do those things! If you’re feeling unsure of where to start when (re)incorporating fun into your life, here are a few ideas:
Invite your friends over for dinner (either homemade or takeout) and have a movie night
Do karaoke in your living room, in a private karaoke room, or at a karaoke bar (singing is great for the vagus nerve, which helps with calm and regulating stress!)
Go with your partner on a day trip (or half-day trip) to a nearby beach or on a nature walk (being in nature is also helpful for calm and regulating stress)
It’s ok to not have every aspect of your life figured out yet.
Listening to: I think about it all the time
“Cause my career feels so small in the existential scheme of it all.”
There can be so much pressure - from family, larger communities you belong to, cultural or religious communities you grew up in - to have reached certain milestones in your 30s and have everything figured out before you turn 40. For the professionally ambitious and sensitive-hearted amongst you, these expectations may feel confining and frustrating. If you haven’t heard this in a while, I’m here to tell you: it’s ok to not have it all figured out yet.
Practice confidence, be proactive in your friendships, take intentional time for your friends and partner, and allow moments of ease, fun, and joy in your life.
